Nothing to Fear (But Fear Itself)
by King in Yellow
Summary: Does Kim face any danger from an empty threat? The jury is still out on that. Everyone agrees only an idiot would try anything. There are a lot of idiots in the world. The greatest threat, at least to the good citizens of Middleton, may come from Shego's loving attempts to insure Kim remains safe from harm. Best Enemies series
1. The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters

Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are all owned by Disney. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.

NoDrogs created Kasy and Sheki. I gave them a different origin and a younger sister. This chapter was drafted years ago. It could go different ways. Chapter two is new, and the direction I chose among the options.

Chapter title is a print by Goya.

 **The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters**

"I thought I might just stay out here for a couple days before I fly over to the Hague," Kim told Shego over the phone.

"You're not telling the truth," came the accusation.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean this is not just a whim."

"What makes you say that?"

"Villains' Guild forums."

"I wish you'd stop–"

"So I would have believed you when you lied to me?"

Kim sighed, "I don't want to risk you or the girls."

"I'm not sure what the actual risk level is, but I want you to come back to Middleton until you give testimony."

"What did people say on the villains' forum? I can't believe anyone would take the offer seriously."

"No one with even half a brain is. Any bank accounts warlord what's-his-name has are frozen, his former backers are claiming they didn't know – and aren't responsible for – his actions, and his former lieutenants are either in hiding or negotiating for amnesty if they testify against him. So his claim he'll pay a million dollars a head for the assassination of any of the witnesses... Why is he even putting five hundred grand on you? You were just arresting officer."

"He must carry a grudge."

"Guess so. Anyway, the guy doesn't have two dimes to rub together, so no one who can walk and chew gum at the same time is going to try anything. It is such a cliché idea anyway."

"He was probably watching old movie DVDs while he was in hiding. But I think I'll stay over here until after I give my deposition. There might be someone who can't figure out how to walk and chew gum at the same time who might try something. And I don't want any idiots putting you or the girls in harm's way."

"No you are coming home."

"Why?"

"First, you've got a lot more idiots over there than back here in Middleton. I'll bet your brothers can hack the airlines for anyone flying into Middleton and do a fast background check on anyone who looks suspicious."

"That's illegal."

"It never bothered you when you were a teen hero."

"I work for Global Justice now."

"Just trying to keep you safe."

"But you've already admitted no one with even half a brain would try anything!"

"Kim... Who does the greatest swordsman in the world fear?"

"What does this have to–"

"Who does the greatest swordsman in the world fear?"

"Second greatest swordsman in the world?"

"Nope. 'Cause the greatest swordsman knows exactly what number two might try. The greatest swordsman fears the complete novice, because there is no way of telling what the total beginner might try. Probably won't work, but it may be so stupid the expert isn't prepared to deal with it. There's an old saying that you can't make anything foolproof... You recognize that one, don't you?"

"Because fools are so ingenious."

"Exactly. So get your cute little butt on the next flight back to Middleton."

"Ah, Eemah," Kim giggled in her best imitation of Kasy, "do I hafta?"

"You come home immediately, young lady, or no ice cream for a week!"

* * *

Kim was surprised in New York by a familiar blue face as she waited at the gate for the plane taking her on the next leg of the flight home. Bego and Kim gave each other a fast hug of greeting.

"I suspect it isn't a coincidence we're on the same flight," Kim commented.

"Nope," agreed Joss's metal twin.

"You think I have anything to worry about?"

"No, but Shego offered to pay for the flight if I agreed to come, and I don't see Sis and her family enough."

"Job situation improving?"

"No. A degree in philosophy and six-fifty will still get you a cup of coffee. I'll tell you about it on the flight, I think Shego bribed someone so we'll be sitting together."

"So, you're going to be my bodyguard?"

"No... That isn't what Shego told me."

"I've been on the plane so I was out of the loop. What is she planning? I'm assuming it's not supposed to be a secret from me."

"Not that I know of. She– Do you really think you're in any danger?"

"No. I think she's wildly over-reacting."

"Maybe," Bego shrugged. "Try to see it as saying she loves you."

"I know, and I do. But she feels like there might be some crazy willing to try and hurt me."

"There are a lot of crazies in the world."

"I know. I'm married to one of them. So what is her plan to keep me safe, and how do you fit into the scheme?"

"Her fear is someone going after the girls to draw you out. I'm going to take Jane over to Joss and Wade's and stay with them. Meanwhile you'll be disguised as Shego and keeping an eye on Kasy and Sheki, and Shego will be disguised as you and staying in the open so there will be no need to draw you out."

"That's stupid."

"I'm just telling you what she told me."

"I won't do it. If there is any danger... You remember she took a bullet for me once?"

"I remember."

"I don't think there is any danger, but if there is I won't let her face it for me."

"I told you, it isn't my plan. You don't need to convince me."

"I know, I know. But let me practice my arguments for a minute or two. Shego can be very persuasive and stubborn."

"As contrasted with you?"

"Hey, I'm just stubborn. She's better at persuasive. And, uh, can you help me with an argument for hypocrisy?"

"For hypocrisy? You mean against? How is Shego being hypocritical?"

"Defending hypocrisy. It was me. I was going to stay in Europe, in case any crazy tried anything. Now I'm trying to tell her she's too worried about some crazy trying something."

The blue woman shook her head sadly, "Oh, you're going to have real trouble defending... Matter of degree! You had a very low level of concern, but she is blowing it out of all proportion."

"Oh, that's good! Think she'll buy it?"

"No way. She'll definitely charge you with hypocrisy. But that's probably the best defense you have."

They chatted on the flight about Bego's search for work. Apparently some employers thought she was simply a robot and a different language DVD could be inserted somewhere inside her to give her the ability to speak any language. "They just don't get I have a human brain, it just works electrically. Heck, I had to pass exams in French and German for the degree – but I couldn't speak them to save my neck."

"Although as I recall you and Joss know a little Spanish... At least enough to curse. Am I ever going to hear how you picked that up?"

"Not if Joss or I can help it."

"Any good job prospects. The Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense made you an offer didn't they?"

"Yeah, for my vision. I may just need to accept the philosophy degree makes me a better person, but won't get me a job. Part of me thinks working for the BPRD would get me labeled a freak, but then I probably get labeled as a freak anyway. And the people I know from the BPRD are nice... There're days I wake up and think I'll give them a call."

"I, uh, I'm not sure how to ask... Forgive me if this sounds rude. If you don't want to be labeled a freak, have you considered changing your skin color?"

Bego shrugged, "Sometimes," she admitted. "All my Joss memories are with that color. But I've been blue as long as I have independent memory and I think asking for a different color would just be caving in to other people's prejudices. I'm not the color of my skin, it's the people we are inside that matters."

"I know... Sorry if that was rude."

"No problem. You've already been hypocritical today, why not add–"

"So you and Shego will both be giving me grief forever?"

"Just today," promised Bego with a laugh. "But that's me. It'll probably be forever with Shego."

Shego and Jane were waiting in the terminal. The toddler seemed shy around the relative stranger, which only got worse when Shego reminded her, "She'll be watching you for a few days. She's the sister of cousin Joss, remember?"

"And we'll be staying with Joss," promised Bego. "You like Junior, right?"

The small girl nodded enthusiastically."

"Not so happy, Squirt," warned Shego, "or your mom and I will think you don't love us." She looked at Bego, "Got a suitcase in the car with her stuff packed. Of course you can always come over for anything I forgot... But I didn't forget anything."

"How big is the suitcase?"

"You're strong."

"I don't want to start a fight in front of Jane," Kim began as they drove into town from the airport.

"Then don't say anything," suggested Shego.

"I'm telling you I don't want this to be a fight, I'm trying for clarification–"

"And then you'll fight?"

"Could you let me ask my questions first? Bego explained what she thought your plans were. Maybe she didn't understand what you told her. Maybe I didn't understand what she told me. Maybe your plans changed. But she did say you asked her to watch Jane over with Wade and Joss, and that part is true. So I want to check on the rest."

"What's the question?"

"Are you really planning to have me in disguise as you, and you're going to disguise yourself as me?"

"That's my idea."

"That's–"

"If you're not going to finish that statement with 'fucking brilliant' I need to remind you that you claimed you weren't interested in starting a fight in front of the midget in the car seat."

"You know I don't use that word in conversation."

"Brilliant? You should add it to your vocabulary. Particularly when agreeing with my ideas."

"I wasn't going to call your idea brilliant!"

"Bego," called Shego, "have you noticed how you can't trust Kim? She says she doesn't want to start a fight, and then she tries to start one. It's almost like the fact she told me she wasn't in any danger, and then was worried about possible danger to the family."

"Oh, she told me about that. She said you'd charge her with hypocrisy."

"There is a dirty word. I'd hate to use the term to describe the behavior of anyone I loved... Unless she deserved it, of course."

"It's a matter of degree!" interrupted Kim. "Any danger is very, very low! It's more dangerous driving home from the airport! So I thought I'd just stay in Europe a couple more days. But you're turning it into a circus!"

"And now you insult my driving," Shego commented.

Bego laughed, "I gave her the matter of degree argument. What do you think? I figured it was the best defense she had. You got one better?"

Shego thought I minute. "No, I think you nailed it, at least as far as that being the best defense available. And now I can list plagiarism to the charges against her. She should have put you in a footnote acknowledging her source."

"It's a little hard to put a footnote in your conversation," protested Kim.

"You could have tried," Shego reminded her. "And how about we finish this after we drop Bego and short stuff off with Joss?"

"I really don't want a fight," Kim reminded Shego after their stop at Wade's home. "We agreed there is virtually no danger. The odds of slipping and hurting yourself in the shower are infinitely higher. But, even with the infinitesimal chance I don't want to risk you getting hurt in my place. I'd feel guilty for the rest of my life."

"So, it's about you is it? Wanting to avoid any feeling of guilt."

"You are exasperating, you know that? I'm saying I don't want you hurt. I am an active, and highly trained, agent for Global Justice. While you exercise and we spar I am more capable of defending myself – at the present time – than you are."

"What you were trying to say, in a delicate manner, is that I'm out of shape. I'm not. And I am more qualified to deal with crazies than you are."

"Hello? Drakken? Monkey Fist? Duff Killigan? Dementor? Any of those sound familiar?"

"I don't make the list?"

"You're not crazy... Well, crazy hot, but–"

"Thank you. And except for Drakken you could usually figure what the others were doing. They weren't crazy. Now, it so happens I spent a lot more time with Drakken than you did fighting him. More crazy experience. And the Team Go villains I faced with my brothers? You've met some of them, I've told you about others. Which of us, on either a day-to-day basis or in fights, has more contact with crazies?"

"Which of us, in the last ten years, has had more contact with crazies?"

"Ha! You fell into my trap, Cupcake! I'm a lawyer! Sixty-one point three percent of my clients are nut jobs."

"Sixty-one point three? You have uncanny precision about the mental state of your clients."

"Fine. I lied. It's only sixty-one percent. I rounded up for emphasis. Don't change the subject. The subject is keeping you safe. And I say we take the case of Shego versus Pumpkin to the wisest man in Middleton for adjudication."

"One of your lawyer or judge friends?"

"No."

"The DA?"

"He doesn't mind if you call him Steve. He's a friend. And, no."

"Wade?"

"Colder. You're getting colder."

"Please tell me you aren't talking about Drakken. We agreed he was crazy."

"So did the courts. Although we prefer the phrase incompetent to stand trial. Kim, I'm disappointed in you. I suggest taking the discussion to the wisest man in Middleton for his opinion, and you suggest Doctor D before your own father? We may need to call a psychologist to evaluate you. Of course I meant your father."

"Dad? We'll take it to my dad?"

"You don't trust your own father?"

"Of course I do... Is this a trick? Has he already signed onto your plan?"

"Hypocrisy, plagiarism, and now paranoia. You're not having a good day. I've mentioned my concern to your mom and dad. I've said nothing about my plan."

Kim sighed, "You can add rude to the list. But, in my own defense, I'm going to argue that it all comes from the fact I love you and want you to be safe. Love of family is a very strong argument before Judge Possible."

"Oh, I'm counting on that," Shego agreed cryptically.

* * *

"Now, I'm not saying Shego is out of shape, or incompetent, in any way," Kim assured her father as she presented closing arguments. "I'm saying I love her very much and don't want her hurt. The actual chance of anyone trying to hurt me are so small we need to treat it as not going to happen. But, in that very, very, very improbable maybe it could happen, I have more experience in the last ten years defending myself. I'm a highly trained Global Justice agent and better able to handle a threat. I love Shego very much. I don't want her risking her own safety for me, even if the chance of her being harmed is almost zero."

James Possible turned to Shego, "Well, counselor?"

"Thank you, Your Honor. Now in your infinite wisdom I–"

"Objection! You're flattering the judge!"

Shego grinned, "You object to me saying your Dad is wise?"

"Objection denied," he agreed. "Do you really think I'd let that change my mind, Kimmie-cub?"

"Fine," grumbled Kim.

"Now, as I was saying to this wise and honorable man, this prince among–"

"Objection," interrupted James Possible.

"You can't object! You're the judge in this case!"

"This is an informal hearing and you're laying it on way too thick. Flattery won't work, and you're doing it just to annoy Kim. Cut to the chase. Is she right that there is almost no chance of anything happening? And, if that's true, why go through all this disguise stuff? It seems like a lot of work if there is no real danger."

"Oh, but all the more reason to go with my plan, if there is no real danger."

"Pardon?"

"I spend far more time with the girls than Kim, while she is off on Global Justice assignments to the far corners of the earth – away from family and those she claims to hold dear for weeks at a time. She–"

"I'm almost never gone for weeks!"

"But you're gone a lot. Too much. Here is a chance to spend quality time with the twins." She turned to James, "Your beautiful oldest grandchildren. The girls who adore their absentee mother and would cherish the chance to spend a few precious days with her. But, does she want to spend time with these delightful children? No, she spurns the opportunity! She–"

"I don't spurn spending time with them! I don't want you hurt!"

"But you said there was virtually no chance of my getting hurt. According to you this is all unnecessary because there is no danger."

James repeated, "I still say the disguises sound like a lot of work if there is no danger."

"Virtually no chance," Shego assured him. "Kim herself said the drive from the airport into town probably had a higher level of danger. Realistically the chance of trouble is almost zero. But there is still an infinitesimal chance. At that point, with it being so small, I'm willing to take the tiny, tiny risk and allow Kim the chance to spend time with Kasy and Sheki. That is, of course, if she wants to spend time with them."

"Of course I want to spend time with them! I–"

"Exactly. So, I'm dressed as you, and safer than driving a car around Middleton. You're dressed as me and enjoy time with the twins. Bego gets quality time with Joss, and Jane gets to spend time with Junior. Other than me having to dress like you it's a win, win, win, win situation."

"But–" protested Kim.

"Sorry, Kimmie-cub. This court rules in Shego's favor."

"Dad! How–"

"You agreed to take your argument before this wise and intelligent man for a fair assessment of–"

"Can the flattery," sighed James, "I've already agreed with you. Kim, it is a chance for time with family. Enjoy it. Trust Shego to stay out of... Well, enjoy your time with the girls. And–"

"What was that crack?" demanded Shego. "I've stayed out of trouble..." She glanced at her watch, "for almost forty-one hours."

"And here's your chance for a new personal best," James said in an encouraging voice. "With Bego in town I think we ought to try to get everyone together for a big dinner."

"And I have one question," demanded Kim, "why you have no trouble with Jane and Junior being together for days. I mean, she is just a toddler, but the first words I can remember you saying to me were 'no boys'. That doesn't apply to second cousins?"

"I'm not worried about Jane and Junior. I predict they will grow up as very close friends."

Shego narrowed her eyes, "Is this another of those times where you seem to know more about the future than anyone deserves to know?"

"No idea what you're talking about," he shrugged. "It stands to reason. You two came to me because you thought I was a reasonable man. It is the reasoned opinion of this reasonable man that they'll be like Ron and Kim and always have each others back."

"Predictions on any other grandkids?"

"Not if you're going to accuse me of using voodoo or witchcraft so I can see the future." He kissed Kim on the forehead, "Enjoy time with family. Children grow up too quickly. You've admitted there's almost no chance of danger. Shego will be fine."

Kim accepted with, "Okay," and smiled, "it will be nice to spend time with them." Then she looked over at Shego, "You were kidding about being in trouble forty-one hours ago, right?"

"Of course. And what I said was I've been clean for forty-one hours. I was just kidding about trouble before that."

"You got rid of yesterday's newspaper, right?" James Possible whispered loudly.

"Of course," replied Shego in her own stage whisper. "You and Anne got rid of yours too?"

"Absolutely."


	2. Help, I Need Somebody

Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are all owned by Disney. All registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.

NoDrogs created Kasy and Sheki. I completely changed their origin in my stories.

Chapter title points to the pop quiz contained in this chapter. And that's the only clue I'll give. My readers tend to be brilliant individuals who don't need me to spell things out in detail. (And if you miss it... Well, remember that I'm ancient. So if you don't remember the 1960s you're excused.)

 **Help, I Need Somebody**

* * *

 _"Happiness is a warm gun,"_ John thought. Not that he even had a cold gun. But it would probably be a good idea to get one if he was going to claim the half-million dollar bounty on Kim Possible. At least he thought it was dollars. Maybe it was Euros. Of maybe some other money. But a half-million of anything is a lot. He should get a gun. And what better place to obtain a gun than a gun store? The clerk put the heavy Glock on the counter for John's examination. John picked it up and made a dash for the door, only to hear it *click* as the clerk hit the locking mechanism. With trembling hands John turned and raised the pistol towards the clerk. Before he could voice his demand the door be unlocked the clerk informed him, "We don't show customers loaded weapons." The Beretta Bobcat in the clerk's hand was tiny, but gave considerable authority to the clerk's request that John sit very quietly on the floor until the police arrived.

* * *

"I can't believe my own father would conspire against me with you," Kim grumbled as she applied green makeup before donning a dark wig in the morning.

"There was no conspiracy," Shego assured her. "Will you please recognize I'm right?"

Kim paused briefly, then nodded. "Okay, it will be good to spend more time with Kasy and Sheki. And you should be safe... Uh, as long as I'm being hypocritical... I know I said I don't like you reading the Villain's Guild forum but, uh, has anyone said anything about the contract on witnesses or me?"

"Please don't take this the wrong way, Princess, but you are old news. No one on the forums is interested in chasing imaginary money. Hench is claiming a new model disintegration ray with sixty-two percent more power and the discussion is whether it's for real or he's trying to clean out inventory by labeling some failed piece of junk as new and improved. If anyone is out to get you, or one of the witnesses, the aforementioned person isn't saying anything in the forum."

"Witnesses have guards, they're safe."

"And you've got me. You're safer."

Kim checked her image out in the mirror, and adjusted the wig slightly before reviewing her checklist. "Girls to school, head to your office, read a book, and meet you for lunch?"

"Right."

"And this afternoon?"

"We can take in a movie or something until you need to pick up the girls. The rest of the time I'll be downtown, or working in the yard or something where I'm visible."

"Just promise me you won't get hurt," Kim said and gave Shego a kiss before called, "Kasy! Sheki! Time to go!"

* * *

Brian was a practical man. He didn't believe in rumors. Ghosts don't exist. On the other hand he had seen the odd dragon-like creature in the yard and took note of the sign, 'Beware of the poisonous dog'. But the creature was not outside. The most fearsome resident of the old house, of course, was the crazy green woman. He didn't follow rumors, and had moved to Middleton a few years ago. The redhead was supposed to be a local hero of some sort. Some speculated that the two women were lovers. Others swore that the green woman was a convicted criminal of some sort and her probation required the redhead to supervise her. Brian didn't know, or care. It wasn't his business.

Brian's business was his work for Tri-City Power. The old house had the tightest security in Middleton. And the crazy green woman was a lawyer who wasn't afraid to use it. She'd taken a plumber to court for arriving late for an appointment. Tri-City Power had considered threatening to cut off electricity before the redhead had been able to convince the green woman to give Tri-City Power a key... And the lock on the gate was occasionally changed. At least today's work should make things a little easier for Tri-City. The old meter, the one which required a meter reader to check it monthly, was being replaced with a new meter that would send information on power usage to Tri-City so an accurate bill could be sent.

The Tri-City van was parked across the street. Brian had observed the dark-haired woman come out with the two young girls and drive them to school. The redhead came out shortly after and left. He smiled and went to the back of the truck. He stopped smiling and cursed. Had someone just thrown the new meter in the back like that, or had he hit a bump that caused it to fall? Muttering to himself he dug out his tool kit and started checking the device over to make sure it remained in working condition.

As he worked he noticed the car the redhead had driven off in returning. He breathed a sigh of relief and continued checking the meter for damage.

Shego had observed the Tri-City Power truck parked across the street first thing in the morning. It was still there after breakfast. She hadn't said a thing to Kim. Kim would tell her she was over-reacting. The driver was still behind the wheel when she left the house. She had almost made it downtown before worry made her stop and she made a loop to return home. The panel van was still parked across the street, and the driver was now out and working on some device in the back.

Was there a better way of planting a bomb than disguising yourself as a power company worker?

On entering the house Shego set up a mirror so it reflected the movements of the man at the Tri-City van. He was coming to the gate, carrying his device. Shego called the police, "Have an attempted assassin."

* * *

Brian was a practical man. There would have been some personal satisfaction in filing an assault complaint. But the five hundred dollars the green woman offered him to compensate him for 'delaying him on his job' outweighed the slight satisfaction of the assault complaint. (And who wanted to take time off work to go to court and give testimony?) "One condition," he told her.

"What?"

"I want an apology."

"An apology! You were–"

"Doing his job," the police officer reminded her. "Apologize. Give him the dough. You don't get charged with assault. He's done with you. And I don't have to file no paperwork."

Shego managed the difficult double feat of both offering an apology and not correcting the officer's grammar. _"At least Kim won't hear about it."_

* * *

 _"Wish I had a ticket to ride,"_ Stuart thought as he moved furtively through the rail yard, looking for an open box car on a train bound for Middleton. However, it is very difficult to know, without a proper schedule, where a train might be headed. Take for example the case of Stu, wanting to collect the price on Kim Possible's head but inadvertently taking a trip to Carolina.

* * *

Kim paused at the end of a chapter in The White Mouse. She kept her finger in the book to mark her place as she thought about what she was reading. " _I hope my life is never that exciting... I wonder if Nana ever met Nancy Wake when she served?"_ Kim had met a lot of veterans who didn't talk their experiences, for whatever reason. Some didn't want to relive the horrors they'd seen. Some felt only another vet could understand. And some just wanted to move on with their lives and not look back. Kim wondered why her grandmother had never told her about her work. _"Still weird that Drakken had learned things about Nana she never talked to me about."_ She looked over at the clock. _"I can read one more chapter before lunch."_

The two women met for lunch at the Middleton Diner. The middle-aged waitress came over and stared back and forth between the two women. "It's a little early for Halloween," she commented.

"A new relationship technique," Shego told her. "Walk a mile in your partner's shoes."

"No way my husband puts on my shoes... I catch him putting on my underwear and I'll divorce the bum. Your therapist needs a therapist." She poured coffee in Shego's cup. "Do I call you Shego or Kim? And you going with your fish sandwich and side salad, balsamic dressing or her fruit plate and cottage cheese?"

"Just don't call me 'dear'. I'll have my usual."

"Okay, sweetie."

Kim chimed in, "Me too."

"I don't know why we come here," Shego whispered as the waitress meandered off, refilling coffee cups on her way to the kitchen. "The food isn't that good and the service is poor."

"I find it oddly comforting to realize there are people as rude as you."

As they left, following lunch, Kim told Shego, "I like being with you. You took some time off work to protect me. Why don't we spend our time together? I could be very, very grateful to the right bodyguard."

"Tempting as that sounds the whole point is keeping you safe. And since you are the designated target you need to stay away from me while I'm you and you're me."

* * *

Paul grabbed the box from the FedEx driver and hurried down to the basement. He opened the package and read the directions for the Hench Co Death-Ray 2010™. _"Seems simple enough,"_ he thought as he inserted the three F-Cell batteries into the device. _"I'll just test it out before I go for that bounty on Kim Possible."_ He aimed the death ray at his mother's dog (he had never liked the beast) and thought _"Don't let me down,"_ as he pressed the trigger. Thanks to the quick response by the fire department damage to the house on Penny Lane was limited to Paul's room in his mother's basement. Paul himself would recover from second degree burns, eventually. And the dog escaped unscathed.

* * *

Mick was on his cell phone as he drove down Elm Street in Middleton. He didn't notice the red light he ran. He noticed the pedestrian he was about to hit and panicked, but in panicking hit the accelerator instead of the brake – the car headed straight for the woman who had been crossing with a green light.

The woman took the speeding car as an attempt on her life, or more precisely an attempt on her wife's life. Shego jumped to the side, then leapt onto the car as it sped past. Mick, still holding onto the phone with one hand and trying to discuss yesterday's game lost complete control. He jerked the wheel, causing the car to swerve into a power pole.

The frightened Mick was locked in the car, placing a frantic call to 911 and begging to be rescued from the crazy woman yelling at him to come out so she could pull out his large intestine and strangle him with it.

"You again," the officer sighed when he arrived on the scene.

"Bastard tried to run me down!"

"You hurt?"

"Some. Got thrown off the car when it crashed."

The officer's brow furrowed, "He hit you, and that was why you were on the car?"

"I jumped out of his way. I wasn't going to give him another chance, so I jumped on the car."

The officer took Shego's testimony, then persuaded her to move over to a coffee shop and let a doctor check her over. At least that was what he told her. With Shego away he was able to coax Mick out of the car, take his statement, and write out a citation for speeding, talking on a cell phone while driving, reckless endangerment, and failure to control his vehicle.

* * *

 _"Okay, if I manage to eliminate Kim Possible, how will anyone know I did it?"_ George thought. He decided to stake a claim on the half-million by sending an email to the prison informing the genocidal commander of his plan. In the subject line he typed, 'Money, That's What I Want'. In the message he outlined his plans. He assumed the prison guards would forward the message. He was correct. Whether the message made it to the warlord or not wasn't clear, but the police who arrested him were aware of the contents of the message. _"I should have known better,"_ he thought as he was led away in handcuffs.

* * *

Mick called his lawyer.

"You nearly run a woman down, and you want me to sue her for wrecking your car?" the lawyer demanded.

"Yeah. It's her fault I, like, lost total control and hit that pole. My car was, like, totaled. And the police are saying it's my fault."

"You may have a hard time selling it to a jury."

"The traffic cam caught it. I mean, yeah, it shows me running the light–"

"You were speeding?"

"No. Yes. Not very much. I was on the phone and–"

"Which is illegal in this state."

"Everyone does it. So, like, I miss the light. And, yeah, I hit the accelerator or something by accident when I saw her. But she was fast! She jumped out of the way! And then, like, she jumped on my car! And I lost it! It's all her fault. And, like, she was threatening to kill me. I have witnesses!"

The lawyer sighed, "Not sure what kind of a case you have. I'll look at the police report. Did you get the woman's name?"

"Um, I saw it. It looked real funny, but I think the officer said O'Kelly. It didn't look like O'Kelly. He must not have known how to pronounce it."

"What was her first name?"

"Sharon."

"Sharon... Sharon O'Ceillagh?"

"Yeah."

"Dark hair, skin kind of odd looking?"

"She had red... She was wearing a wig I think, it kind of got messed up. Yeah, dark hair."

"Forget suing. She's not the best lawyer in Middleton. But she works at the best firm and is the protégé of Judge Armstrong. You will lose. And you don't want to piss off her firm."

"I thought child prodigies were, like, real little or something."

"Protégé, Mick, it's something different. Call your insurance company."

* * *

 _"I'm not going to carry that weight,"_ Peter thought as he packed the bomb into his luggage to be checked. He knew you were not supposed to take bombs onto a plane in your carry-on bag. To his surprise he discovered that the narrow-minded TSA took a very dim view of even bombs carefully packed and placed in checked luggage.

* * *

"How was your day, Dear?" Kim called when Shego arrived with the Chinese take-out. With her time devoted to making 'Kim' visible the green woman had no time to cook. Of course she had not ordered the food. Someone might have poisoned it to eliminate Kim with her entire family. The order had been placed, and picked up, by a secretary at the law office.

"Uneventful," lied Shego in answer to Kim's question.

"So, willing to admit I'm in no danger?"

"A day without an assassination attempt proves nothing. There's probably a whole gang out there trying to lull you into a false sense of security. It only takes one assassination to ruin your whole day."

"Is there anything in the world which could make you admit you're over reacting?"

"Not that I can think of... Maybe if lightning crashed, the heavens opened, and a fourteen foot angel flew down on golden wings to say I'd over reacted I might consider the possibility. Maybe."

The family walked over to see Jane and Joss's family after dinner. Kim would have liked to walk with Shego. But the green woman insisted on remaining dressed as Kim and not walking with the others so that Kasy and Sheki wouldn't be hurt by collateral damage.

But Shego suffered a brain cramp trying to decide whether it would be better to walk a block in front of, or a block behind, the rest of the family.

Finally Kim pulled out a quarter, "Heads. You walk in front."

* * *

The second morning was much like the first

 _"All I got to do is act naturally,"_ Richard thought as he practiced flying his last small drone around the park, _"just an innocent hobbyist out having fun."_ He'd prove them all wrong. His ragweed concentrate was the perfect assassin's tool. The victim would sneeze himself or, in the case of Kim Possible, herself to death. Maybe he could get steady work as an assassin, taking out contracts around the world. He needed a name that would inspire potential clients. _"Weedman? No, that sounds like... No, no, no, I don't smoke it no more,"_ he reminded himself. And in that second when he lost concentration the drone joined its eleven brothers in crashing. _"Damn. It don't come easy,"_ he sighed. It would take him another six months to save up for a new case of drones and the open contract on Kim Possible would have expired by then.

* * *

 _"Funeral insurance, greatest racket in the world,_ " Keith thought. _"Person gets sick and misses a couple premium payments before croaking and we don't have to pay a cent."_ He always asked those he talked with in cold calls about their neighbors. Apparently a Kim Possible worked for some UN law enforcement agency. Dangerous work. His company could charge higher premiums, and most likely she'd have paid twice as much as the policy's value by the time of her death. He watched the house for twenty minutes, and finally a red-haired woman came out and strolled around the yard.

"Kim Possible?" he called.

Shego hesitated. Anyone who knew Kim could tell easily she was not Kim. "Yes?"

"Can I have a minute of your time?"

A real killer would have just opened fire, Shego decided and walked over to the gate. If he was an assassin she could take him out much better if she were close. Then she remembered the Tri-City power worker. _"Don't assume he's an assassin,"_ she reminded herself.

"Do you think about eternity? Do you consider those who you leave behind?"

 _"Great, one of those self-ordained holy rollers. Probably here to try and try and poach Kim for his congregation."_ Shego opened the gate. It was tempting to just ignore him. But Rabbi Ruth had warned this just fed their persecution complex. Rude Bible-thumpers considered having doors slammed on them for being obnoxious equivalent to the trials of the early martyrs who were thrown to lions. The question was whether to indicate she was Jewish. Some of them didn't know how to witness to Jews. Others became more persistent, thinking God awarded extra brownie points for saving a Jewish soul. "I believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Did you know he loves you and has a wonderful plan for your wife?"

Keith wondered if he looked as puzzled as he felt. "Sorry, no. I'm here to talk with you about your funeral." He started to reach inside his jacket for brochures on funeral insurance. That was his last conscious memory for some time.

* * *

Shego sat in a holding cell at the Middleton jail. She had, so far, not made her one phone call. She pondered who might bail her out without telling Kim. With no tin cup to bang against the bars to pass the time she started singing a slow, mournful rendition of an old spiritual,

"Nobody knows the trouble that I've seen  
Nobody knows my sorrow  
Nobody knows the trouble that I've seen  
Glory hallelujah"

"Pipe down," a woman in another cell called. Which only encouraged the third woman in the section to join Shego in the second verse.

Before the two women could finish the door to the holding area opened and the the matron led in Kim and the DA, Steve Crandall.

"It's kind of like the pound," the DA explained. "You come back and look over what's in the cages and decide if you want to adopt one and take it home."

"Lousy analogy," Shego called. "And you told her I was in here? That's a breach of... It's a breach of something. I'll sue!"

"That one seems very loud," Kim told Steve, "I'm looking for one who's good with small children."

"This isn't a joke," Shego called.

"No, it's not," Kim snapped. "I'm in no danger. But you insisted on keeping me safe – and now you're in jail for assault. It isn't a joke at all."

"It's a mistake. There was no reason to jail me for assault."

"You beat someone up."

"I didn't hurt a human being! I punched an insurance agent. Once. They don't count as human beings. It was a vulture in a cheap suit. And I thought he wanted to hurt you."

"Insurance salesmen are people too."

"Prove it!"

"Kim and I spoke to the insurance agent," the DA told her. "It is possible the assault charge might go away for the same five hundred dollars you paid the man from Tri-City Power."

"And why didn't you tell me about that?" demanded Kim.

"Didn't want to worry your pretty little head," Shego assured her.

"I've changed my mind," Kim told the DA. "Let's leave her in jail."

"Don't try to dump your problems on us," Steve retorted. "You married her. She's your responsibility."

Shego called, "The for better or worse clause, remember? And I'm not paying a cent to that insurance ghoul. You read what he said; what he did. I had a legitimate reason to feel threatened."

"Only if you were justified in being wildly paranoid," Steve told her. "Will a jury buy your–"

"They will when I explain there was a bounty out on Kim."

"Maybe," he shrugged, "maybe not. You can't be sure what a jury might do. And if you lose it will cost you a lot more than five hundred dollars."

Shego hesitated, "I'll think about it. Probably cheaper than losing the billable hours. But that's the only reason I'll even consider it. Now, let me out."

"Oh, I can't do that," Steve told her. "Charges not filed, judge hasn't set bail. Afraid you'll stay here awhile."

"That's not funny. If I pay him off there are no charges."

"But you can't pay him if you're back here. I've got someone typing up the charges. Did you see the sloth in the movie Zootopia?"

Kim threatened, "And I'm going to call the judges and explain that keeping you in jail for a few days might be safer for you and other people in Middleton. They'll set bail so high you won't be willing to pay a bondsman."

Steve added, "And a couple judges don't like Sharon anyway and will be happy to set bond high on general principles."

"This joke has gone on long enough. Let me out!" Shego demanded. "I'll pay the five hundred."

"No, I really feel like you're safer back here," Kim told her. "You assaulted the man from Tri-City, you went after the guy who nearly hit you with–"

"He nearly ran me over! You want me to turn the other cheek?"

"–the insurance agent. I'm not saying you were wrong about the driver. I understand what you imagined about the insurance guy. But I think you're safer here."

"What do you want?" Shego sighed. "You want a pound of flesh, I know it."

"I'm back to being me. You're you. And we bring Jane back so I can be with everyone for a few days. Oh, and you admit you over-reacted."

"I won't admit it. I'll call your bluff and stay right here. Go ahead, try and watch the girls all by yourself."

"Tell you what I'm gonna do," Kim promised in an oily tone. "Tomorrow evening Bego watches the girls. You and I go out to Martini's. And afterwards..." She leaned over to the bars and whispered something in Shego's ear.

Steve asked, "Is bribing a suspect kosher?"

"Knock it off," Shego told him. "She made me an offer I can't refuse. I over-reacted. Now let me out and I'll play nice."

–THE END–


End file.
